Fitophical’s Guide to Facing Rejection

Rejection is an inevitable part of life, much like the unpredictable British weather—annoying, unavoidable, and something we all have to get on with. The sooner we learn to handle it, the easier life becomes. This isn’t some fluffy “you’re perfect just as you are” bullshit; think of it more as a chat with an older sibling who’s messed up a few times and has the bruises to prove it.

Rejection doesn’t just feel bad—it’s actually wired into us to hurt.

A study published in Science used brain scans to show that the anterior cingulate cortex, the bit of the brain that processes physical pain, also lights up when we experience social rejection. It’s why rejection can feel like a punch to the gut—it’s not all in your head. It’s how your brain tells you, “This matters.”

Don’t take it personal…

It’s easy to think rejection is personal. The job you didn’t get, the friend who stopped texting, or the person who ghosted you—it can all feel like a giant sign flashing “you’re a piece of shit”. I know the feeling. I’ve spent days picking apart a rejection, dissecting every little thing I might have said or done wrong. Or worse still, I have actively avoided the possibility of rejection, for fear that it would hit a bit too close to home. But here’s the truth: most of the time, rejection isn’t about you. That friend might be overwhelmed, the company may have already had someone in mind, and that date might have been more interested in someone else. Often, rejection reflects someone else’s world, not your worth. Realizing that is half the battle.

…Unless it is personal

That said, sometimes rejection is a wake-up call. When I didn’t land a great career opportunity, I told myself it was bad luck, but honestly? My CV was lackluster, and I had largely winged the interview. That rejection stung, but it made me re-evaluate my position.

A meta-analysis by Gerber and Wheeler (2009) in Perspectives on Psychological Science reviewed experimental research on rejection and found that the psychological effects of rejection often depend on how it’s perceived. When rejection feels personal, it’s more likely to trigger negative emotions, but when framed as situational or constructive, it can lead to growth and improvement.

This study underscores how our interpretation of rejection matters. If you see rejection as feedback—whether it’s about your skills, approach, or presentation—you can use it to improve specific areas, like communication or preparation. On the flip side, if you let rejection define your self-worth, it can become a barrier. It’s not just about what happens to you—it’s about how you respond.

It still hurts like a bitch

Of course, rejection is not a good feeling, and pretending it doesn’t affect use, won’t make it go away. After a particularly difficult rejection from a woman I was good friends with, I spent days reliving every word, wondering what I could have done differently. And that’s okay—rejection stings because it matters. But here’s the trick: feel it, but don’t let it define you.

A study by Shallcross et al. (2015) published in Frontiers in Psychology examined how mindfulness and acceptance strategies help people recover from negative emotions, including social rejection. The researchers found that individuals who practiced acceptance—acknowledging their emotions without judgment—experienced lower levels of distress and recovered more quickly compared to those who suppressed or avoided their feelings.

This highlights the importance of letting yourself feel the pain of rejection without over-identifying with it. Instead of pretending everything’s fine or letting the rejection consume you, try naming and accepting what you’re feeling. Acknowledge the hurt, but don’t let it spiral into a narrative about your self-worth. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can move forward.

When in doubt, take the piss

And then there’s the rejections you’ll laugh about later. Like the time I accidentally called a girl by the wrong name, for the entirety of a first date, and she ghosted me. I was pretty embarrassed, but now it’s a funny story I tell friends. Personally, I have found that people who can laugh at themselves, cope better with stress and recover faster from awkward situations. Taking the piss, and having a laugh, is probably my number one strategy for dealing with life when it just won’t let you be. So, the next time you face a cringe worthy rejection, remember: it’s probably going to be hilarious in hindsight.

Don’t base your worth off rejection

Sometimes, rejection feels like a verdict on who you are. I’ve definitely been there, thinking every “no” meant I wasn’t good enough. But the truth is, rejection doesn’t define your worth. People who base their self-esteem on internal values—things like integrity, personal growth, and authenticity—are more resilient to rejection than those who rely on external validation. Your worth isn’t determined by someone else’s opinion—it comes from understanding who you are and staying true to that. Think about it for a moment: external validation, no matter how abundant, doesn’t make someone inherently good or valuable. History is full of examples of people who were celebrated publicly but hid dark truths. Take Jimmy Savile, for instance—a once-beloved children’s entertainer and national icon. Despite the praise and admiration he received, he was later revealed to be deeply corrupt and responsible for appalling acts. External validation didn’t reflect his true character, and it certainly didn’t make him a good person. This serves as a stark reminder that real worth comes from integrity and authenticity, not from others’ approval.

The thing about rejection is, it’s not going anywhere. Sometimes it’s a lesson, sometimes it’s just bad timing, and sometimes it’s life pointing you in a different direction. A review in Current Directions in Psychological Science looked at what makes people resilient and found that the ability to adapt and grow from setbacks is one of the strongest predictors of success. Every rejection is a chance to build that resilience, to learn, and to get closer to what’s really meant for you.

To sum up…

So next time rejection comes knocking, take a breath. Feel it. Learn from it if you can, and laugh at it if you can’t. Every “no” is just a step closer to the right “yes.” Until then, put the kettle on, have a cry if you need to, and carry on. You’re stronger than you think.